How not being good enough made me win
Struttin’ into 2019 like…
2018 was the first year I managed to complete a goal I set myself at the beginning. I’ve wanted to compete in a bikini competition for a couple of years now, and 2018 was the year I finally got my arse into gear and made it happen. It was a little unplanned, but it felt bloody good to tick something of my list.
What’s been holding me back? The same thing that has stopped me from every 100% committing or following through with something – the lack of belief in myself and the inherent feeling that I’m not good enough.
After a serious amount of introspection and retrospection (the number of hours on the treadmill I did during prep certainly allows for that), I reckon this is something that has been holding me back from truly excelling in any one thing for a long time.
It’s this lack of confidence in my ability which often leads me to giving up at the last hurdle, or not pursuing something I’m good at.
Self-doubt is sneaky. It manifests itself in different ways so you often don’t realise it’s creeping in or standing in your way. I often found myself making excuses for the reasons why I wasn’t reaching my full potential. “I don’t have time to practice anyway,” “I would be better if I had started a long time ago,” or just straight up “I’m not good at this.” In other instances, I would turn to self-destructive and self-sabotaging habits like binge drinking or binge eating.
I’m not saying I’m ever going to be the best at anything (my dreams of a career as a prima ballerina are long . gone!), but that doesn’t mean I can’t strive to be the best I can possible be.
I know this feeling is not unique to me. It’s something most people struggle with at some point in their life. Especially with the unrealistic expectations set by media and social media about how our lives should be. But, probably the most empowering thing that has happened to me, is realising that this is what is holding me back.
Now, I’m not saying I’ve found the one-way golden ticket to success. I still have times, sometimes days on end, where these feelings creep back in. But finally realising one of the major factors that was holding me back meant I knew what I need to work on. I was hellbent on succeeding and It was just another thing fuelling my fire.
Just by stepping on stage – I had won. I had realised and proved to myself that if I put my mind to it, I can do it. I didn’t come away with a gold medal (2 x 4th places ain’t bad though!) or any title. But I had officially beaten the voices in my head that said ‘you can’t do this.’
For me, this year is about pushing myself harder than I’ve ever pushed myself before and again proving those voices inside my head wrong. I’ve set myself some scary but exciting goals and I know that I can achieve them.
I want to get the end of the year and know that I’ve done everything I can do to get there – with zero regrets. So that is exactly what I’m going to do!
Robyn xxx