Finding your 'why' - WHY is it so important?

One of the main things I’ve been asked since deciding to do a bikini comp is ‘why?’

From my friends and family, it’s either more of an inquisitive question or one of mild concern (perhaps she’s having a quarter life crisis?).

But, from my coaches, it was also asked more to understand the underlying drivers behind my decision. “Why do you want to do this?”

They knew that to find your ‘why’ is to find your drive.  Your ultimate motivation. And that without digging deeper, when the going gets tough, you’re not going to be able to find that hidden gear that’s going to drive you.

At first, shrugging the question off with a “it looks fun” and “I want to have an epic rig” got me by.  And, while both statements were 100% true, I knew deep down that these were simply superficial goals and not the reason I had decided to start this journey.

After a bit of soul searching, I realised something much bigger was at play and that I had been ignoring the actual truth behind my decisions for a while.

Figuring it out

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my body image and, as a result, my self-worth.

I was never a ‘big kid’ by any stretch of the imagination but I always remember feeling bigger than my girlfriends at the time.  I vividly remember comparing myself to my peers, thinking things like “why does she have smaller legs than me,” or “why doesn’t her tummy stick out like mine.”

This underlying self-consciousness during my formative years manage to manifest itself into a few unpleasantries during my teenage ones.  While not the sole cause (that’s a conversation for another day!), they contributed to the development of my depression – something I have struggled with on and off since the age of 13. 

Born out of an internal rhetoric of negative self-talk, depression has been the embodiment of a dark cloud hanging over me for most of my life.  There are times when I felt free from the Black Dog.  However, with the ever-so-generous benefit of hindsight, I realise I was (unsuccessfully) trying to fill the void with vices or simply pretending everything was fine.

Accurate representation of my life

As a result, I’ve battled through a range of destructive behaviours; self-harm, an unhealthy relationship with food, binge drinking and eating and just not treating myself very nicely in general.

Even when I thought I was doing better mentally, I know now that I was just running or hiding from it all.  For way too long, I’ve been battling with that feeling of never been quite content with what I had or where I was.  And I could never quite put my finger on why.

Getting it done

One of my flaws (or ‘quirks’ if we’re putting a positive spin on things here!) is that I struggle with asking for help.  Not because I am ever embarrassed or ashamed to.  But because I’m so bloody stubborn (some may say ‘a control freak’). I’m a classic case of, if someone tells me to do something, I’m either going to the opposite, or not do it at all.  Despite deep down really knowing it’s probably best for me to take their advice.

I always believed that if I was going to get ‘better’ I was going to do it by myself.  Not alone per se. I knew I would always have the support of my amazing friends and family, but I had to make these decisions on my own.  I had to be the one to make the change.  No amount of people telling me to do various things was going to start the fire, I knew I always had to be the one to light the match.

It’s worth noting, that without the unbelievable love and support I’ve had at all times from my parents and my closest friends, I would probably be in a very different place to where I am now.  Sometimes, I marvel at how I still have the epic friends I do (mum and dad, you made me, so you get no choice except to stick around). When you don’t like the person you are, it’s hard to imagine how anyone else does either. But that’s exactly my point.

Using it as a tool

And so, here we are.  I’ve realised my ‘why’ is not one answer, but a number of common elements that combine to make one purpose – to just be an all-round better human.  The best human I can be.

I want take control of my life

I want to like the person that I am

I want to be happy within myself, so that I can also be happy for others

I want to be better

By finding my purpose, I am able to use it as a tool.  Not just to drive me through the hard times and tap it into it as a source of motivation.  But, hopefully, to help others to do the same. Everyone deserves to love themselves and feel good about who they are as a person.

By chronicling this journey of learning to love myself more, I genuinely hope that I can help others do the same. Whether that’s simply by reading and resonating with what I write.  Or, by imparting lessons I’ve learned along the way that can help someone open up a dialogue of your own.

Now, I'm not saying I'm 100% free from my mental health issues. It's not that simple. But by taking control of my life and taking consistent, conscious, healthy and positive physical steps, I have made the most incredible changes to my mental state.  My internal dialogue has and continues to change. I have more control over my emotions and actions now. I'm much more kind to myself than I ever have been and I'm starting to be more comfortable in my own skin. There's still much work to be done, but I'm already in a place I never thought possible - and it feels great.

So, there you have it.  That’s my WHY!

Hopefully, I didn’t bore your pants off with this long, yet uplifting tale.  As I said, I will be posting more articles as the days, weeks and months of prep life go by.  Prepare for hilarity and enlightenment.  Feel free to leave any questions in the comments below and I will do my best to respond to them.  Thank you!

Robyn xxx