Growth: why the pain is important
Ready to grow; physically, mentally and spiritually!
Self growth and self improvement comes in many forms. Physical growth. Psychological growth. Emotional growth.
It can come when we least expect it or it can be the result of specific focus. While we can accidentally happen across instances that provide space for us to grow, it is not by accident that it occurs.
Any experience is a chance to learn, if we’re open to it. Not necessarily just learn a new skill, per se. But learn more about ourselves. Who we are, how we react to things, how we deal with certain situations and essentially, how we show up in the face of adversity.
These learning experiences can often come up in the most unexpected of places. However, not all opportunities to grow are positive ones. The majority of times they can be hard and confronting, yet it’s these experiences that can be the best teachers.
Failure. Times of hardship. Loss. Grief. Trauma.
In fact, life is SO full of challenging experiences that we really have no option except to weather a few storms every now and then.
There’s a psychological theory I quite like which explains the mental changes experienced following a challenging time; Posttraumatic growth (PTG).
Post-traumatic growth (PTG) or benefit finding is positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges in order to rise to a higher level of functioning
This theory examines the beneficial legacy of ‘trauma’ and seeks to define the positive results seen in individuals following a traumatic events through an inventory of traits, such as: a greater appreciation for life; changed sense of priorities; changes to relationships and relationship forming; greater personal strength; recognition of new possibilities or path’s for one’s life and spiritual development.
In doing so, the theory attempts to determine ‘how successful individuals, coping with the aftermath of trauma, are in reconstructing or strengthening their perceptions of self, others and meaning of events.’ (Tedeschi & Calhoun 1996).
The choice
Traumatic events seek only to reinforce that we have absolutely zero control over what happens to us. What we do have agency over, is how we respond.
When something negative happens you have one of two choices: Let it overwhelm, consume and derail you; or stare adversity in the face and ask what it’s trying to get you to learn.
I recently lost my dad to cancer. I was fortunate enough to be with him in the final few weeks of his life but they were challenging, to say the least. He was in a lot of pain and it was an incredibly undignified end for a man who had been so full of life and had made an extraordinary impression on this earth.
Since he passed on November 24th 2019, I have endured the rollercoaster that is grief. Like anyone, there are times where I am overwhelmed by sadness, heartache, regret, fear and more.
However, I was completely taken by surprise by how much of a learning and growth curve the whole experience has been. To be honest, I had no idea what was about to unfold, how I would feel or how I would cope.
Now, I’m choosing to accept the cards that have been dealt and move forward with positivity. It sounds cliché, but it really is what he would have wanted.
It’s all about your perspective
Trauma has a unique ability to give you crystal clear perspective on what matters (or should matter) most in our lives and give us a completely refreshed and enhanced appreciation for things.
A huge part of how we move on from times of trauma or pain is acceptance. Accepting that this is how the dice has rolled. Surrendering to acceptance means the forfeit of blame, feelings of unjust and undeserving and instead prompts the ability to move on and progress.
Ask instead, what are the positives I can take from this situation? Where is the silver lining? For me, it was; being able to spend time with dad before he passed; having the privilege to look after him at home in his final days sharing precious moments with him; being able to support mum through it all; seeing and hearing stories about the impact he made on the world and people around him; seeing these incredible traits of his, passed down to me and evident in my own personality; having 30 years with him on this earth, when many others are not afforded the luxury, and the countless amazing and hilarious memories I have a result, to name a few.
The list really is endless. And that’s exactly my point. Once I moved from feelings of sadness, feeling like I’d been dealt an unfair hand and feeling hard done by (i.e. “Why me?”), is when things started turning round. Once I had accepted that this is simply how the universe was playing out for me, I was able to deal with it and move on. Additionally, to fight acceptance would be an incredibly selfish thing for me to do. For I have the luxury of being able to come to terms with the fact while dad, and many others like him, are not afforded the same.
Looking for the lesson
Whatever the painful experience is, there is often an important lesson to be found. As with acceptance, discovering what you can learn from an experience gives you the mechanism to step up and grow.
We also often struggle with times of extreme change or trauma because they challenge our perception loops. The beliefs that we have about certain things - whether external or views on our own selves. This, obviously, can be difficult to swallow or take on board.
It’s not easy to fail or admit fault. It’s often painful and confronting and can be embarrassing. And that’s why growth is never easy. To grow often means we must accept that something needs to change. Or perhap not that it needs to change but that change will lead us in a better direction.
But if it’s not serving you, it’s time to change. The recognition that something isn't working for you is growth in itself, but it is of course easier said than done. Sometimes we don’t know that something is ‘broken’ and thus needs fixing, it takes a great deal of self awareness to do this.
Responsibility
How often do we set time aside to self reflect? Like truly look deeply at our behaviours, the way we deal with situations, the person we bring to the table every day.
We usually reflect on our behaviours posthumously. Often once something has happened which has brought to light something confronting is when we will sit and analyse what we could have done differently.
If we look externally and place blame we will not evolve. We will not change. We will not grow.
What’s important is being open to change, growth and in the right space to recognising learning opportunities when they come our way. We are provided with countless chances to grow each day but unless we act on them, we will remain in the same place.
If you’re going through a tough time right now, hopefully this is helpful in providing a bit of perspective and guiding you through. We must all endure the tough times, but it’s how we come out the other side that really makes us. Knowing that is completely within our power to stitch ourselves back together is half the battle.
Robyn
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